Emotional Neglect
Welcome. If you clicked on this article, you may be wondering what Emotional Neglect is and how it shows up in yourself and your relationships. Information here is drawn from psychologist and author Dr. Jonice Webb’s work on Emotional Neglect.
Abuse is when something happens that is actively violating of another, but neglect is when we don’t get important things we need as children. I’m not talking about just physical things like food and shelter, but also essential emotional or developmental needs.
For example, one important developmental need for a young child is to explore the world, but if a child is too insecure (with no secure attachment to come back to) and is not encouraged, such exploration will be inhibited and the child may grow into an adult who lacks confidence and stays in a very small life.
Children who are not provided with what they need to have a good start in life are handicapped in the most serious of ways. Their sense of self, initiative, confidence, trust…so many building blocks are damaged or under-developed.
Here are some of the common problems that are the result of neglect:
1. Holes in your sense of value and self-esteem. Self-esteem grows from being valued by your family, seen and mirrored, admired and respected, guided and encouraged. When parents are troubled or overwhelmed, they often do not provide these essential nutrients.
2. Feeling undernourished and emotionally starved. When love is not communicated, it leaves a hole in one’s heart and often a consequent sense of feeling starved for love. (With healing, this can change.) Although many who are neglected feel a great need for love (if it hasn’t been repressed), there are also now barriers to taking in love and being vulnerable.
3. Feeling as if you don’t have enough support. Not having gotten much support as children leaves the under-parented with a less confident sense of self and less inner support because there wasn’t a good parent to internalize. Feeling as if there’s not enough support often shows up as insecurity and difficulty moving ahead.
4. Difficulty accepting and advocating for your needs. In general, need is a dirty word for the under-parented, because needs are associated with the painful memory of having needs that were not met. Needs are often experienced as a source of shame and something to hide. You can’t advocate for your needs unless you feel some right to have them and some expectation that others will be responsive.
5. Feeling Disempowered. Without a strong sense of self-esteem, strong internal support, and a healthy entitlement around needs, it’s hard to feel empowered. In addition, if you didn’t have a parent who championed you during the exploration stage and didn’t guide and praise your growing competence, your sense of efficacy can be seriously compromised.
6. Loneliness and feelings of not belonging. Feeling that you were not welcomed into the family as a child often leaves a lifelong imprint. You may long to be part of groups yet feel ambivalent about joining, or you may suffer painful feelings of alienation. Many wonder if there is a place for them in this world.
7. Not knowing how to process feelings. If feelings were not shown in your childhood home (or only by an out-of-control parent) and no one helped you learn to regulate or to name and communicate feelings, it creates a hole in an important part of life.
8. A pervasive sense of scarcity. Deprivation can be so deeply branded into your consciousness that it becomes a lens through which you experience life. You may feel as if there’s never enough money, never enough love, and never enough joy.
9. Depression. Depression has a lot to do with loss, deprivation, needs not being met, not enough love, battered self-esteem, undigested pain and disappointment, grief, and lack of support. Depression is therefore a very common outcome of childhood neglect.
10. Addictive behaviors. Addiction is a common response to childhood pain that has not been metabolized. It is also related to not being able to self-soothe and regulate one’s emotions and stress. With addictions, the substance or behavior is a misguided attempt at self-regulation. Food addictions seem especially common to those who were emotionally undernourished.
The effects of childhood neglect are pervasive and long lasting, so please do not think that if you weren’t actively abused, you have no cause for complaint or no reason to be struggling.
Child Emotional Neglect (CEN) Questionnaire:
*from Jonice Webb’s website
Sometimes feel like you don’t belong when with your family or friends
Pride yourself on not relying upon others
Have difficulty asking for help
Have friends or family who complain that you are aloof or distant
Feel you have not met your potential in life
Often just want to be left alone
Secretly feel that you may be a fraud
Tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations
Often feel disappointed with, or angry at, yourself
Judge yourself more harshly than you judge others
Compare yourself to others and often find yourself sadly lacking
Find it easier to love animals than people
Often feel irritable or unhappy for no apparent reason
Have trouble knowing what you’re feeling
Have trouble identifying your strengths and weaknesses
Sometimes feel like you’re on the outside looking in
Believe you’re one of those people who could easily live as a hermit
Have trouble calming yourself
Feel there’s something holding you back from being present in the moment
At times feel empty inside
Secretly feel there’s something wrong with you
Struggle with self-discipline
*Look at the questions you answered yes to; these answers give you a window into the areas in which you may have experienced Emotional Neglect as a child. The more questions you answered "Yes", the more likely CEN has affected your life.
12 Types of Parents Who Help Create the Emptiness Inside
You might recognize some of these parent-types from your own experience:
Narcissistic parent – absorbed in creating a positive self-image above all else
Authoritarian parent – demanding and controlling
Permissive parent – struggles to impose any boundaries
Bereaved parent – lost in their own grief
Addicted parent – caught up in numbing their own pain
Depressed parent – disconnected from their feelings and those of others
Workaholic parent – avoiding intimacy and connection through excessive work
The parent caring for someone with a special need – focused deeply on the welfare of another
Achievement focused parent – always expecting more
Sociopathic parent – unable to empathize and connect with others’ feelings
Child as parent – needing inappropriate levels of emotional support
Well-meaning but neglected parent – very harmed by their own experience of neglect
Many of these traits are blended and some parents exhibit several of them at once. Thinking of who your parents were within these 12 types can help you make sense of how you were parented and the impact it had on you growing up and into adulthood.
So What Can You Do To Heal?
Sadly there are no short cuts when you’ve experienced neglect. The road to reconnection with yourself can be painstaking. The start is to acknowledge that things aren’t ok as they are right now, and that your experience of neglect was real for you. And that’s when the healing can begin.
You may need to relearn a language for your feelings and experiences on your own terms rather than others’. You might also need to rediscover how to like and love yourself for who you really are, taking care of your feelings and needs with equal value alongside those you care for.
Reading Running on empty is also a great start. It may help you make sense of what has been a background feeling, a hint of something not being right - or it might shout out at you: "this is me".
Ask yourself these questions often:
What’s wrong? Why did you do that? Why do you say that? How do you feel? What do you want?
What are you afraid of? What are you worried about? What’s making you angry, sad, hurt, etc?
Listen carefully to your answers: These are difficult questions which may be hard to answer, but the simple act of asking and tuning in to yourself starts to break down the wall between you and your emotions.
Be mindful that your goal is to feel and manage your emotions. This is perhaps the most difficult step. When you can discern what you’re feeling, it’s time to work on learning to tolerate, control, and appropriately express your feelings.
Never judge yourself for what you’re feeling. It’s what you do with a feeling that matters. Judge yourself only for your actions, not your emotions.
This article is provided for educational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, or medical advice. If you are seeking support, please consult with a qualified mental health or healthcare provider.